Being a full-time working mother (FTWM) is no easy task. It has never been. And those who have chosen to live the journey will testify that it is not for everyone, especially when the concurrent paths are riddled with multiple intersections, criss-crosses, the occasional opposing directions and head-on collisions. And then there are the road signs of societal norms and expectations, company and employment policies, and sometimes conflicting advice (well-meaning or otherwise) from others.
But generations of mothers have risen above, balancing and blending both roles, achieving success in corporate life and at home. Just how do they do it? And what else can be done to help young women who aspire to "have it all"? Recently SMU CIRCLE caught up with three SMummies (SMU mummies) on their thoughts and experiences in their respective FTWM journeys.
What are some of the challenges you have faced (or blessings you have had) as a full-time working parent? Can you share some of the decisions you have had to make?
Jenny: The struggle of balancing career and "duties normally assumed for a mum" is real.
The choice of moving back to my mother’s place and be sandwiched by 2 generations, while beneficial in ways, has also posed some challenges. There is the constant balance and juggle on the various hats I have to wear - Mother, Wife, Daughter, and ME. But I have also been blessed by having a very hands-on mother myself, and my kids are surrounded by "Ah-Ma" all the time.
To manage it all, I stepped away from a global role which required a lot of travel and late-night calls; and while this was a difficult decision in that it might be perceived as taking a step back, it is one I have no regrets making…at least for now!
Joy: Yes…I agree. The challenges faced as a full-time working parent comes with the need to juggle work and family life. One of the decisions I have had to make was to set a routine with my spouse on how much time we spend with the children, to be intentionally present when we are with them. We have our own “time out” from the kids every weekend and split the time during the week when one parent is having a day off.
Mei Mei: I believe life itself is full of challenges whatever role we play. I have set my mind on embracing these challenges and strive to get better at managing expectations and overcoming the challenges. To me, transitioning different stages of life from being single to being married, to building a family, is all part and parcel of growing up.
Being a working mother has taught me to prioritise, to excel at time management, multi-tasking, managing my own expectations and that of others, as well as embracing life even at moments when it is beyond my control. Being a mother of 4 children helps me realise that my capacity to do more is boundless.
The initial challenge I faced as a working mother was the feeling of guilt - wanting to have it all and be perfect at it all. I was expecting life to be the same before and after childbirth. It was frustrating to try to have complete control over something I had no control over even though it is my own life. For example, I had planned the timing of the birth of my children such that my work would be done before I walked into the delivery ward; but as it turned out each time, I had no control over when the baby wanted to come out!
In your opinion, has it become more difficult to be a FTWM in Singapore? And if so, how so? What are some of the factors that have contributed to this?
Joy: I believe it has become difficult for working mothers to work in Singapore, especially if there is little or no support at home. The fees for infant care centres are still very high so a mother needs to know that a portion of her salary will go to paying for support if she doesn't have sufficient support at home.
Jenny: I think many believe that working mothers have a helper or support system, but that is just a myth. We don’t all have that privilege or respite. And then there is, seemingly, this judging view that one has “chosen my career over my kids" if one is also striving to do well in the workplace. There could be many factors that contribute to this, first, a lack of awareness from employers, and the availability of flexible working arrangements that allow working mothers to run matters at home whilst having a career. Second, I think there is the perception that having kids means a step back, since there would not be enough time or focus from the woman. And third, government policies have not evolved or are evolving too slowly to allow for a more gender equal and modern society.
Mei Mei: It is definitely more challenging to be a FTWM in Singapore as help is limited and costly. The environment is also not conducive for bringing up big families. For example, housing and transportation are necessary considerations for a family of six, like ours. With the declining birth rate in Singapore, housing designs usually cater for small families. And similarly, the COE for cars is exorbitant, especially for larger vehicles that can accommodate a family of six.
Kenneth and I are hands-on parents, and we believe we are the primary caregivers for our children. In this regard, the logistics are a challenge. Once it is out of routine, planning, co-ordinating and activating contingency plans can seem like a military operation!
In Myanmar, I can bring my children around for meetings, drop them off at my relative’s or neighbour's place. Labour is relatively affordable so one can hire a nanny and/or driver to help with errands and the daily routine.
What are some policies or measures that government or organisations can establish and implement, to support FTWMs? What are some tips for FTWMs, especially where such policies and measures are not in place?
Mei Mei: Let me just lay out a few… Provide for flexible work arrangements to allow working mothers to have more control over their own work schedule. Provide one month of paternity leave so that the spouse can support the most difficult time for their wives, which is just after childbirth. Provide for a room at workplaces for breast pumping, and a designated fridge to store the pumped breastmilk. Provide childcare facilities or support at work, so that children on school holidays or going through Home-Based Learning can tag along to work. That way work will not be affected and children can have a sense of what their parents do at work. Provide for infant changing facilities in male toilets so that men can also change the diaper when we are out. I recall the time when I was heavily pregnant and had to take my toddler to the toilet, carry her up to change her diaper, because it was only available in female toilets in the mall.
Jenny: Let me add the following…longer paid maternity leave, more childcare leave, and yes…flexible working arrangements. I acknowledge that this might not be in place now but we should prioritise this.
Joy: Yes… if there is more support for paid child leave that is subsidised by government, that would be ideal. Very often, for families with young children, childcare leave is insufficient especially when the young ones fall ill often. It then becomes unpaid leave for the mother which can add extra financial stress to the family.
I think we can also look at providing support groups for mothers, to raise the awareness of challenges and available resources, to meet others who share similar issues and how they overcome them, and to help mothers ease back into work life.
How can spouses and partners support each other on this journey? Can we prepare ourselves better, given the multiple roles individuals would need to play at home and at work?
Jenny: Constantly align your expectations and schedule. Partners or spouses need to understand that in the workforce, we are equals; and this should be the same at home.
Also, it is important to have a life and relationship outside of being Daddy and Mommy. Make time for that. But mostly…understanding and aligning priorities.
Joy: Spouses can support each other through better communication on the needs that are unmet. Often the mother is overwhelmed with a lot of things that need to be done, and the husband can step in to assist; or vice versa. Totally agree with the need for some time-out and self-care; and this should be planned for and scheduled, to reflect, rejuvenate, and recharge.
Mei Mei: Can’t agree more on the point about alignment. It is important for both parents to be aligned on the need for teamwork, on parenting being a shared responsibility. Since the role of carrying a baby for 9 months, childbirth, and breastfeeding are unique to the woman, the man can step forward for other areas such as changing a diaper or looking after the child who isn’t feeling well.
If there is one thing you would like for young couples to know about what it means to be a full-time working parent, what would that be? For that matter, what would you say to other full-time working parents?
Jenny: Keep your mind on the goal and enjoy the process. To the working mum…yes, you can still have it all, but not all at the same time.
Joy: Young couples need to know that it will be challenging especially for the mother who is still nursing the baby whilst she is returning to work. Seek help and do not feel the need to overcome challenges alone. I would also encourage full-time working parents to seek as much help from the family or friends, so that there is the occasional respite. This would help avoid burnout.
Mei Mei: Do not expect life to be the same after having children. Instead, focus on building an ever-evolving new lifestyle with changing needs of the family as we all grow together. Work towards a new equilibrium.
Having children does not compromise your career. Having children might set us up for a new path, a new breakthrough, or new milestones; and it might lead to a little detour from our plans and take us longer than expected, but trust that we will get there.
NOTE: Joy Lim, Jenny Chan Von Meyenburg, Chua Mei Mei, together with Ivy Wong (BBM 2012, started SMummies, a family-oriented interest group formed through the SMU Alumni Association that seeks to raise the awareness and support for full-time working mothers for our alumni. Sign in to Hexagon at https://hexagon.smu.edu.sg and join the group at https://www.hexagon.smu.edu.sg/app/space/smummies/group_page/about-group.